Golden eyes, Golden Heart
by Kennygirlgreen
Summary: MODERN AU, Merlin has had a tough life, parents dead, buillied for being gay even suicidal. So what happens when a friendly cop named Arthur becomes the first person to take care of his safety and well being? Well first other than his best friend Gwen.
1. Chapter 1

Hello, I'm a HUGE-MEGA-MERLIN fan, in fact I've always been in love with the Arthurian legend, though I was disappointed with how the show ended, to vague for me. I hope you all enjoy the lovely series I've cooked up for you. P.S this is a modern AU, and as always REVIEW YOUR BRIANS AWAY!

With Merlin-

Merlin lay numbly staring at the ceiling; he'd done it, finally. No one would know why, he had left no note, no one would understand, and that was okay. He was done explaining himself, desperately grasping at straws to get out of humiliation and he was done with the bullying. Maybe he hadn't gone about it the right way, he hated himself even more for that. Poor Gwen his loving roommate would find him, which was his biggest regret.

He was laying half in the hallway and half in the bathroom with an unceremoniously dumped bottle of pills spread around him, yea, it was a dramatic scene. He hadn't attacked his wrists like he normally had in the past, in fact it had been several months since his last incident. But tonight was one of those nights, the nights where all your past horrors sneak up on you like cancer. You don't know your infected until the doctor sit's you down.

His vision blurred as he stared at the buzzing hallway lights above him, he heard familiar screams as if he was listening through water. A tuff of brown curls bounded to him tossing grocery bags aside. Merlin suddenly wished he had planned his suicide better.

-The next day-

Merlin's eyes creaked open like vault doors. He stared straight at the ceiling until he smelt coffee. Gwen was holding her face in her hands at his bed side, a man he didn't recognize just entered. Merlin chuckled and gently stroked her hair.

"There, there little dove" he cooed. "Dry your tears, have you been up all night?" his voice came out in a raspy whisper. He spied his sunglasses next to her hands and slipped them on smiling. "You remembered."

Gwen lifted her head and smiled gently taking his hand. "Of course I did Merlin, how are you feeling?"

"Like shit on a stick…..god Gwen why am I here?" he asked looking back towards the ceiling through tented lenses.

"Because I found you in time, and I love you."

Merlin chuckled, his eyes crinkled and his teeth flashed. "Sorry dove, I'm afraid I play for the other team. Who's your friend?" he asked glancing at the man who still stood awkwardly at the door way. He was tall, built like a football player with dark shaggy hair.

"The police officer from last night" she said taking the coffee he offered her. "His name is Lance, and that's his partner Arthur"

Another man walked in, Merlin had to blink several times. He was the same build as Lance only, perfect. Golden hair and icy blue eyes that made his insides melt. That on top of his perfectly plush lips and full jaw would have made Merlin half hard on its own, if he wasn't an emotional stress ball as it was. Arthur's police uniform was doing a lot of things for him at the moment

"Hello" he greeted kindly, taking the water Gwen offered as he pushed himself up to a sitting position.

"Why the shades?" Arthur asked narrowing his eyes. "Are you high?"

"Am I high in a hospital?" Merlin asked grinning. "No, they just stop people from staring." He said simply taking another sip.

"Well, during your statement I would like them off." Arthur insisted pulling out his notepad.

Merlin groaned and ripped off his sunglasses pulling Arthur into his unforgiving gaze, he froze, and Merlin knew why. For one his eyes were big, like bigger than average. Not in an alien way but in an adorable way. His eyes were a sea of cobalt blue, so dark the ocean looked like snow, but that wasn't the odd thing that made people stare. Wrapped around the perimeter of his pupil was a thick golden ring. That seemed to shine like magic. People were stunned by the dark blue and gold contrast, he liked it at first but then people stared so he took to wearing sunglasses claiming he had sensitive eyes.

He sighed laying the glasses on his lap. "I'm sorry" Merlin sounded exhausted. "What do you want to know?"

"We just, uh, need to know. For our reports" Arthur stammered slowly, Merlin sighed understanding.

"Yes, it was a suicide attempt. No this wasn't the first. Yes, I'll try harder, now why don't you boys go back to the station and spend your time on something more important?" he asked simply pinching the bridge of his nose. He felt the officers eyes linger on him for a moment before Gwen stood. He opened his eyes and she smiled kindly following Lance out into the hall. He eyed her questionably when Arthur closed the door; he took her seat next to him and stared at him for a long moment.

"It can't be that bad." He said leaning back in his chair, Merlin only smiled.

"I would tell you, but I don't like to talk about it. Not even Gwen knows everything. I'm sure you'll go back to the station today and you'll look me up on your little computer and you'll be given hundreds of documents about me, I'm sure they'll all say a thousand things and when you finish, it will take about a day or so. I want you to imagine yourself in my shoes, and ask yourself why I'm not dead already."

"Maybe you should talk about it." Arthur said gently.

"Maybe, but not now. I'm sorry but, I'm beginning to feel very tired." Merlin said groggily.

"I understand" Arthur said getting to his feet. "Rest well; I hope you stay safe, and happy."

Arthur slipped from the room as Merlin slipped from his body, to a place with no pain, anger or hate. To a place he wanted so badly to stay in.


	2. Chapter 2

Gwen was rushing around the apartment while Merlin had locked himself into his studio; she had changed into a nice blue sundress for her date with Lance and was frantically trying to find her shoes when the door rang. She whipped it open and smiled warmly at Lance and Arthur.

"Gwen" Lance said smiling as he produced a handful of flowers.

"Oh" she cooed taking them with a smile. "They're lovely." She gestured them inside as she went to find a vase. Merlin chose this moment to appear in his white shirt and faded jeans, covered in every shade of paint, and yes there was paint in his hair.

"Gwen, are you going on a DATE!" Merlin teased grabbing a bottle of tea from the fridge.

"I am" she said smiling gently, glancing at Lance.

"With two men?" he asked curiously. "Oh shit, you're the cops." Merlin said putting the pieces together. "Nice to see you guys again?"

"Merlin, Lance asked me to dinner and we thought it would be nice if Arthur stayed with you."

He sighed. "You're giving me a baby sitter so I don't off myself." Merlin spoke plainly and took a sip of his sweet tea. "If it makes you feel better Gwen I won't object." He said simply slipping back down the hall.

"That went better than expected." Gwen said setting the flowers onto the table. "Last time I gave him a babysitter he locked her in my bedroom with a chair."

"I'll be sure to steer clear." He noted as Lance helped Gwen with her jacket.

"I left cash so you can order out, Mer's a vegetarian with a lactose intolerance, also" he whipped out a zip lock bag. "Here's is inhaler, sometimes the paint fumes cause his asthma to act up so make sure the window stays open and the fan is running and he HAS to take his vitamins at 6:30 on the dot for his anemia.."

"GWEN I'M A GROWN ASS MAN! I CAN HANDLE MY OWN HEALTH PROBLEMS!" Merlin yelled from the studio down the hall.

Arthur chuckled taking the baggie from her hands. "Everything will be fine Gwen, I'll see you two later and Lance here no sooner than 10." He ushered them out the door and locked it behind them staring at the bag in his hands for a moment; Merlin really did have a lot of health problems.

"I was born two months premature." Merlin said from the hallway behind him. Arthur turned and watched him carefully. He really looked at him this time; Merlin was tall and lean, almost willowy. There was nothing unhealthy about his appearance though his skinny stature could be an after effect of such an early birth. His raven hair came in short curls that framed his golden blue eyes which he shone proudly since Arthur already knew about them. It was odd, the weirdest and yet most breathtaking pair of eyes this man had ever seen.

"That explains.." he glanced at the bag.

"It explains my asthma, iron deficiency anemia, lactose intolerance and vitamin deficiency." He crossed the room in a few bounds of his long legs and took the bag, "Plus my anti-depressants and insomnia medication." He tossed the bag onto the couch and moved to the kitchen. "You want anything to drink? I don't drink but theirs beer in the fridge." Merlin poured himself a tall glass of sweet tea.

"No wonder you don't drink, shit with all that medication I'm surprised you can eat anything." Arthur decided not to drink a beer, he was supposed to be watching Merlin not passing out somewhere, or worse, coming onto him since he was already actively resisting that urge already.

"I'm a vegetarian by choice" Merlin said sipping his tea. "The cable's out, so feel free to come on back" Merlin said slipping down the hall, leaving his studio door open.

Arthur had to catch his breath at the door. The ceiling was high, at least 30 feet high, which was odd because the rest of the house was so small. The walls were covered with hung artwork, most of it abstract with dark blues, black and bright contrasting yellows. The piece that caught his eyes was breathtaking on its own. It was a lake, a deep and rich shade of blue, contrasted only by the fog peeking in at the edge of the canvas, revealing elusive ruins that stood from the cobalt waters. It looked like Merlin had painted the mystical 'Isle of the blessed' but he wasn't sure.

"You're very talented." Arthur said settling onto a chair by the door. Merlin's easel was facing him so he couldn't see Merlin's painting, which he assumed is how he wanted it.

"Thank you, Gwen think's so too."

"I think anyone would think so, are you going to college for this?"

"No I'm a writer." Merlin said almost sheepishly. "Mostly fantasy, but I want to become a novelist. What about you? Did you always want to be a cop?"

"Oh yea" Arthur said grinning as he leaned back in the oddly comfortable stool. "My father used to read me stories of brave knights in battle or King Arthur of Camelot, that's how my mother named me. As far back as I remember I wanted to be brave and noble like the Knights of the Round Table."

"Well being a cop is pretty close right?" Merlin said smiling. "I mean, besides being an actual Knight."

"Yea, that's what I thought." He mused running a hand through his hair. "Of course it's not as glamorous I thought, I thought it would be more bank robberies, hunting serial killers and going after child abusers. But it's all paper work, drunk driving and suic…."

"Suicides" Merlin answered flatly as he mixed together orange and blue onto the canvas getting a color he couldn't quite put a name to. "Yea, I know, people who try and kill themselves are a stupid waste of government resources and really they're just 'crying out for attention' and they're not worth the time."

"That's not what I was going to say."

"IT'S WHAT EVERYONE SAYS!" Merlin yelled getting to his feet. "I HEAR IT FROM EVERY DOCTOR, NURSE AND PAITENT THAT PASSES MY HOSPITAL ROOM. I HEAR IT FROM GWEN WHEN SHE THINK'S I'M NOT LISTENING I HEAR IT FROM MY CLASSMATES AND TEACHERS. DO YOU THINK I _WANT _TO FEEL THE WAY I DO ALL THE TIME? FEEL SO ALONE AND CUT OFF FROM THE WORLD THAT DEATH SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY ANWSER. I'M TIRED OF IT! ALL OF IT!"

"AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY!" Arthur yelled getting to his feet. "WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER! HOW WOULD THEY FEEL KNOWING THEIR SON SWALLOWED TOO MANY PILLS OR SLIT HIS WRISTS IN THE BATHTUB!"

"I DON'T CUT ON MY WRISTS!" Merlin yanked up the hem of his shirt without even thinking revealing the side of his rib cage, that part your arm covers when it hangs at your side. Merlin's was covered with little horizontal marks so close together a needle couldn't even pass through the space. Some were angry and jagged or short, others were long and well thought out, almost perfect lines. But they were all red and scared over.

Arthur's eyes flashed with a red anger but before he could speak, or move Merlin dropped his shirt back down. "But before you ask me another BLOODY question about my parents, I'll have you know I've been an ORPHAN FOR EIGHT FUCKING YEARS YOU FUCKING ASS HOLE SHIT HEAD! FUCK!"

Merlin sighed putting his brush down, hiding behind the canvas, in a flash of violence he tore the canvas from the easel and threw it across the room, breaking its frame before picking up the easel and throwing into an empty table. Before he could grab anything else Arthur moved across the room and wrapped his arms firmly around Merlin, securing his arms to his side as he thrashed about.

"LET ME GO GOD DAMN IT!" He screeched pushing against him, but it was useless. Arthur was almost twice Merlin's size he would never get away. It took five minutes for him to realize this before he went limp with defeat in Arthur's arms.

Merlin began to sob, leaning forward as far as Arthurs arms would allow until the story spilt from his lips. "I was 16, my dad. We were walking home…there was a stabbing…..my mom…never really got over it. Our house caught on fire and I tried to get her out but she wouldn't move…she refused to get up…..I had to leave her there! I killed her!" Merlin's heart wrenching sobs racked his body like ocean waves, he slipped from Arthurs grasp and pressed his head to the cool wood. Arthur glanced behind him, Gwen and Lance stood in the doorway, and they'd heard the whole thing. Gwen's eyes were filled with the tears spilling over her cheeks. She turned and threw herself into Lance's waiting arms and began to cry as well. "I didn't know" she whispered over and over into Lance's arms. "He never told me"

-REVIEW!


	3. Chapter 3

Before I start this next story I wanted to do a POLAND SHOUT OUT! Not because I live in Poland but my family is FROM Poland. They immigrated to America during WWII, they were also Jewish XD so interesting fact about me. This is the first fanfic I've written with Polish viewers (3!) So yea there's my little shout out!

Also I love Merlin, I'm wearing my 'Team Merlin' shirt as we speak, well as I write…..right?

ANYWAY!

Merlin woke the next in a ray of moonlight. Glancing at the clock on his bedside table he knew it was almost . He rolled to his side and came face first with a tuff of wild brown curls, Gwen. She mumbled something and turned towards him, fully awake now.

"Merlin" she breathed smiling gently. "How are you?"

"I feel, ok" Merlin said stretching out his arm. She smiled and rolled into his gentle embrace, resting her head on his chest. "You smell like vanilla" he said smiling, kissing her head.

"You smell like pumpkin spice and cedar." She mumbled as her eyes dropped.

"Go to bed dove, it's still early." With no protest she slipped into a soundless sleep as Merlin slipped from bed for a quick shower, before dressing himself in dark jeans and a fitted blue shirt. He left a note for Gwen saying he was going for a walk and slipped from the apartment in silence, that was until he got a text message.

_'__What are you doing for lunch?'_

_'__Who is this?'_

_'__Oh, Arthur.'_

Merlin's heart fluttered_ '__What do you have in mind?'_

_'__Pier'_

_'__Pick me up at the park.'_

_'__I'll be there in 15 minutes'_

True to his word Arthur pulled up just as Merlin was stomping out a cigarette. He slid into the car taking in Arthur's appearance with him. He wore a faded pair of loose fitting jeans with a red t-shirt that looked extremely soft. Arthur smiled before pulling out into traffic again.

"Smoking's bad for you, especially since you have asthma" Arthur said after a moment.

"Yea, I know. But it calms me." Merlin said leaning into his seat, glancing at Arthur. "I wanted to apologize about yesterday, it seems every time I'm around you I'm either trying to kill myself or I'm having a mental break down."

"Merlin, it's alright really. Well, not alright I guess….. What I mean is, I want you to be able to be yourself around me. I won't push you for details; you can talk about it if you want. I want us to be friends."

Merlin nodded "Alright, friends" for some reason Merlin wasn't completely happy with this arrangement, but it was something.

Arthur drove them in silence until they parked next to the beach and he led Merlin to a small restaurant resting on the pier.

"So Arthur tell me about yourself" Merlin said sipping his soda. "You already know so much about me."

"Oh, well. My father's name is Uther, my mother was Ygraine, but she died just after I was born. I have a half-sister named Morgana, but they all live up north from here. My father and I however no longer speak, well not sense he found out I was gay."

Merlin's eyes widened in surprise and, hope? Arthur was defiantly his type for one thing, and he couldn't deny the attraction he'd felt for him in the last few days.

"That must be hard." Merlin said coming back to reality. "My parents were supportive for the short time they knew, my friends though…..they didn't really accept it. Gwen's my only friend now, well and you" he added smiling.

"And me" Arthur added in a small voice with a secret smile that revealed nothing.

Soon enough they were laughing and joking around as they ate their plethora of fried food, Merlin was even flirting a bit. What seemed like hours later Merlin and Arthur were walking down the beach, right where the tide washed in and out, watching the ghost crabs scuttle across the sandy horizon.

**(Yes ghost crabs are a real thing, use the Google) **

"My dad was a cop" Merlin said suddenly, pulling Arthur from his trance

"Really?" Arthur was suddenly interested in the conversation instead of Merlin's ass which he had been watching like a hawk for the last few moments.

"Yea, that's why he was killed. He pissed off a drug lord." Merlin shoved his hands into his pockets and kept walking, leaning forward to press the sand between his toes. "They caught the guy thought." He said as if it made any amends to the father he had lost.

Arthur tossed and arm around Merlin's shoulders and pulled him against him as they walked. "It doesn't make it okay"

"Arthur, I had a lot of fun tonight."

"Me too, we should do this again some time."

"Very soon" Merlin added smiling. "Would you do me a favor?" he asked as they stopped walking.

"Anything."

Merlin smiled, Arthur shouldn't promise anything. "Can you forget the last two weeks? Let's pretend tonight was the first time we met."

Arthur furrowed his eyes. "You want me to forget everything but tonight?"

"Yea, I don't want my suicide to be the story of how we first met, nor the brake down afterwards….Please?"

"Alright" Arthur said taking his hand. "You want this to be a normal date?"

"y…yes" Merlin stammered, he hadn't mentioned it was a date but Merlin didn't realize how much he wanted it to be until Arthur said it.

"At this point in the date." Arthur continued. "Assuming it all went well?"

"It did" he whispered feeling Arthurs body step close, his hand lifting Merlin's chin as he struggled to keep his eyes open.

"I would" his breath was warm on Merlin's lips and the kiss was gentle at first. Arthur's lips were full and soft. Merlin sighed against him and wrapped his arms around his neck as he leaned against the tower of a blond man before him. Arthur gripped him tightly and ran a hand through his raven locks as his lips began to move against Merlin's. Arthur moaned lightly as Merlin bit his bottom lip, tugging playfully as he slipped in his tongue. After long moments of heated kissing they pulled away panting, resting their heads against each other. "Kiss you." He finished. "I would…kiss you."

Merlin chuckled and rested his head against Arthur's chest. "I should get back, Gwen is probably flipping out, and I've been gone for hours."

Arthur nodded in agreement releasing him from his grip, gently taking his hand instead to lead him to his car.

"When did you know?" Merlin asked suddenly. "That you were gay."

"Ohh…gosh" Arthur said thinking back. "College, I'd had plenty of girlfriends but sex with women wasn't, satisfying." He blushed looking at the ground. "A one night stand later, here I am, as gay as you."

Merlin laughed squeezing his hand. "I knew in middle school, I'm just happy my parents took it so well."

"I wish it went that well" Arthur said nodding. "My father wasn't pleased, but I know my mother would have been okay. He's such a different man since her passing. He still wears his wedding band you know."

"Same with my mother, she wore her ring until she died."

They walked in silence for a few minutes before getting into the car and driving to Merlin's apartment. They exchanged numbers and a quick array of kisses before Merlin untangled himself in the car and smiled wickedly before running across the street and into his apartment. Arthur couldn't help but miss him in the sudden absence, watching Merlin slip across the street behind two white doors that would lead up a few floors before they came to his apartment door. He sighed pulling away, as a cop it was his life goal to save someone, from murder, a fire, anything. He was going to save Merlin if it was the last thing he did, he was going to save Merlin from himself.

-Review!


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